All the candidate wants for Christmas is two Panzer tanks
People may not be ready for this hot take, but longing to be part of a Nazi cabal isn’t all that different from ordering Door Dash late at night. Everyone wants what they want when they want it, even bigotry and hate delivered with brute force and petty spite. Leave a Bible as a tip.
Still, to say it like that undercuts this spray-tanned-pudding-pouch of a man’s bravery. He didn’t just order a McFlurry in broad daylight. He said, all I want for Christmas are a couple Panzer tanks.
And what’s so wrong with that? A lot of men love trucks. It’s not like he’s ever talked up the possibility of an American Kristallnacht before or hosted what could be confused as a Nazi rally at Madison Square Garden.
Well, except for that one time when he said all he needed was an hour or so to get really nasty and violent on the enemies within. Oh, and I guess there was the other weekend, but other than those times and maybe a few other times it’s not like he’s always hanging out with just Nazis. Sometimes Kid Rock and Hulk Hogan are there shooting at beer cans and ripping off their shirts in a fit of menopausal roid rage.
Anyway, depicting a political leader’s clear reference to The Purge movie franchise as a call for a tragic pogrom or whatever that may or may not target specific ethnic and religious groups is clearly the extreme act in this situation, especially when the harsh label is placed side by side with the violent act it’s labeling. The man simply values loyalty, toughness, and power. And the only people who might not find such jokes funny are weak. To show your strength — just laugh at what’s so clearly a good joke.
And it totally makes sense for a world leader to don the colors of a hate group and walk out on stage to The Undertaker’s death knell. After all, everyone knows wrestling — like the media — is fake. They even use ketchup for blood.
Captain America? Indiana Jones? Given the prevalence of past Nazi punching in U.S. culture, this former President is lucky to still have two front teeth. But that’s not even the half of it. Times had gotten so tough for Nazi leaders in this country a member of this former President’s own very-fine-people-on-both-sides political party tried to shoot him.
Maybe that violence wouldn’t have happened if the poor candidate had just been allowed to let his weird flag fly. Maybe the next time he talks about shooting people in the middle of Times Square, unpunished, it won’t be so funny. I’m kidding. It would totally be funny because he would only be joking if or when that ever happens.
But what makes this precipice so truly historical isn’t so much that number 45 was a Nazi President. We’ve had hate in the White House before, but just think about this possibility: the nation’s first openly Nazi President.
A lot of people aren’t talking about how an openly fascist dictator with a few German generals might just make it easier for all citizens to talk about the nation’s past with a little bit of pride. Why else would he be for enacting a form of 18th century law and order? I see you, Alien Enemies Act.
And remember when he first found out about Frederick Douglass during that first term of his. That wasn’t the former president’s fault. That was history’s fault for ending the 19th century and slavery too early. Everyone knows studying history isn’t like serving fries at McDonald’s. You can’t really learn the whole of it from field trips and reenactments. You have to make it real.
And that’s what’s on the ballot: history so real we’d have to relive it.
To truly embrace the nation’s legacy of slavery and misogyny, we have to elect good ol’ 45 to be the new 47. Forget Project 2025 — it’s what the 1619 Project would have wanted. As the saying goes, the only way to repeat history is to recite it word for word, law for law, slogan by slogan.
Used to be citizens of this nation couldn’t really acknowledge how Jim Crow and Indian reservations were models for Nazi Germany, but now that the big guy is out of his Wehrmacht closet and into his black and gold phase, people living in America can start to embrace all his eras.
Born between the Scopes Monkey Trial and a moon landing, ol’ 45 has seen a lot, which is maybe why he’s one of the few individuals willing to take so much pride in the nation’s plumbing infrastructure. He knows what it’s like for toilets to really flush and to have two sets of water fountains and a liberal use of fire hoses. Plus, given a warming planet, he probably knows how admirable and restorative a return to such free-flowing times would truly be. That’s why in another outstanding exemplar of courage he doubled down on his Central Park Five stance even though his stance was proven wrong.
This election could really bring about some generational healing. A lot of the elderly have probably been holding back on the family stories they could tell. Maybe some of those lynching photographs that have long been absent from grandma’s albums can finally be dusted off and taken out of the shoebox in the attic. Maybe grandma is even old enough to have attended a hanging or two. Better ask her now that she no longer has to hide her fears and can finally speak her mind at last. Hurry, though, you never know when Alzheimer’s might set in. Don’t let her memory fade into collective amnesia.
Also, think about what other disenfranchised groups this historical moment might empower. Members of beleaguered groups like the KKK or The Proud Boys will no longer need to hide online or in real life. Their enrollment numbers might even go up. And think about the festivities. The Left has often wanted to war against religion. Well, now the Left can unite with the Right and burn crosses together. Why rage against the machine when you can rage with it?
And who doesn’t love a good parade? City streets are about to become a lot more robust on holidays. Worried your parallel parking abilities have atrophied because you’ve been too afraid to venture downtown for years? Don’t be — from here on out, the trains will run on time.
