Emails to Olympic Head Coach Steve Kerr from Tyrese Haliburton’s Mom
Dear Steve Kerr,
Congratulations on successfully coaching Team USA to an Olympic gold in basketball. I’m sure this was a difficult and unprecedented task. I am writing with two concerns. One, I know sometimes a teacher will not award a student credit on a group project if it appears the student did no work. I assure you Tyrese did his share. Two, I would like to add that maybe it would not have been so difficult to capture gold if you had given my son more playing time.
Sincerely,
Tyrese’s mom
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Tyrese’s mom,
Are we talking about the same person? If your son is on the team, he received a medal directly after the game at the medal ceremony. It was televised. The Serbians had clearly pounded a few. They played our national anthem. It was very touching.
Coach Steve Kerr
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To Coach Kerr,
Who is my son? My son is Tyrese Haliburton. Maybe you are not aware of his basketball talents because he plays for the Indiana Pacers, a professional basketball team in the same league where you coach. You play the Pacers at least twice a season, so I know you can’t plead a dated Shaquille O’Neal meme. You are for a fact familiar with his game.
This unfortunate situation must be the result of a worldwide conspiracy not to promote the beloved Indiana Pacers nationally. This conspiracy, I am told, is because the media loves big markets and Reggie Miller once made a choking gesture to all of New York City, the biggest of markets.
From,
A mom of the underdog
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Tyrese’s mom,
I can assure you I have no lost love for the Knicks.
Steve
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Dear Steve,
How many Knicks are on the roster? I count zero, and I think that’s a small step in the right direction. A large leap, however, for Tyrese would have been you giving him control of the offense in the fourth quarter against France.
Tyrese’s biggest fan
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To Tyrese’s mom,
Look, I’m a big fan of Tyrese’s also, but down the stretch, I thought it was a sound idea to play LeBron, KD, and Steph together. I mean, who can argue against that decision?
Thanks for the orange slices,
Steve Kerr
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Coach,
I know you think you owed that to future Hall of Famer Steph Curry, but you don’t owe Steph Curry anything. You won plenty of championship rings before he came along. Maybe Steph’s real nickname should be sous chef because you’ve been cooking the opposition longer than he’s been alive. Maybe Michael Jordan would still be playing if he’d passed you the ball more.
Sincerely,
Not a casual
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Tyrese’s mom,
I think you have me confused with someone else, but I don’t know who.
Be proud of your son,
Steve
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Steve,
The point guard of this conversation is Tyrese can’t build up a Hall of Fame legacy if his coaches don’t hand him Hall of Fame moments. Also, I couldn’t help but notice your reliance on three Boston Celtics to fill minutes that could have gone to Tyrese. They just won an NBA title, which means they had their moment to shine. Jaylen Brown won Finals MVP. Don’t you think Tyrese deserves a moment like that? I sure do.
A mom who loves her son more than the Boston Celtics
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Tyrese’s mom,
I don’t know what to tell you. I’m an idiot I guess.
Sincerely,
An idiot who just won a gold medal
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Steve,
Do you think just any NBA player is going to ride the pine for your Olympic dreams to be realized? Have you tried asking Jayson Tatum to sit for an entire game? How do you think his mom would respond? Bob Cousy might not like it. Bill Russell must be rolling over in his grave. But let me assure you Pacer Nation isn’t any less proud. Prepare to have Lance Stephenson blowing in your ear. Prepare to hear from Jalen Rose and Mark Jackson. Prepare to hear from Travis Best. I know these people, and I am not messing around.
A mom growing angrier by the minute
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Tyrese’s mom,
I never once thought you were messing around. Please don’t send the Flying Dutchman.
Steve
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Coach,
I am prepared to bring the Malice to your Palace, which, by the way, is just a clever way of saying I am ready to sue your coat riding ass if you don’t give my son more minutes.
Mom with a good lawyer
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Tyrese’s mom,
The tournament is over–I can’t give anyone more minutes.
Steve
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To whom it may concern:
I realize that, Steve. Just think about how good Tyrese will be in another four years and know that I am currently scouring our family tree for connections to anywhere. Maybe we can team up with that French UFO pilot or that nice Serbian fellow. Tyrese Halivic does not sound all that bad. Do not make me escalate this matter.
Thank you for all you did,
Tyrese’s mom
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Yo mom,
I don’t want to play for Greece. I’m fine getting medals this way, especially the gold kind.
TH#0
