Giannis should retire by 9:30 pm EST

The current time is 8:45.

Giannis is always nursing some ailment cause he tries to plow through five guys at a time.

The pain doesn’t often keep him out for long, but he’s always a bit banged up, always a bit under one hundred percent.

A superstar should always give 110% and be one hundred percent healthy.

A superstar should not have loved ones, friends, close acquaintances, siblings, or a consistent FedEx delivery guy.

A superstar should be alone.

No help. No super teams. No asterisks.

A superstar should never play a shortened season. No sitting out for load management purposes.

Labor relations shouldn’t interfere with a superstar’s schedule. A real superstar plays 82 games in the regular season even when only 50 have been scheduled.

A real superstar wins, not 4–2 or 4–1, but in clean sweeps. Game Sevens, however, are permissible. A superstar can win 4–3. However, a superstar cannot lose 3–4. Why would a superstar do that?

A superstar would never be a Sixth Man.

A superstar would never need a Sixth Man.

A superstar never runs out of milk. There is always a fresh gallon in the fridge.

Not having to run out for milk at the last second keeps the superstar available. Availability is the best ability, after time travel and flying.

Even the NBA doesn’t permit time traveling, so availability is the second best basketball ability.

A real superstar would have an ability other than Hawkeye’s shooting touch. Hawkeye is the worst Avenger. Being Hawkeye is like being the worst superstar even if you’re the greatest at a particular basketball skill. You should retire, Stephen Curry.

A real superstar is into marketing. A real superstar markets everything to all markets.

Real superstars have cool nicknames. Real superstars have a multitude of nicknames. Calling someone The Claw who has big hands doesn’t make any sense. A crab would suck at basketball.

Speaking of crabs, why are we now praising would be superstars for living like hermit crabs? Get a grip. Real superstars are loyal to a fault, except Dolla Dame who is a counterfeit fool and should retire if he has to stay one more day in Portland.

The time is now 8:58.

That means you have 32 minutes, Giannis, to do the right thing and retire.

The only way to circumnavigate these rules is to play like a marginal All-Star for 82 games on a consistent basis only to cross the Rubicon every postseason

All hail Jimmy Butler, the one true Superstar, until he too reveals himself to be a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

It’s five minutes closer to too late, Heracles Impersonator, who will never be among the stars despite having won multiple MVPs and an NBA title. A superstar is always lately.